The Mystery Man

Posted: September 19, 2013 by dukefrederick in BGB, creative writing, general
Tags: ,

“Oh! Don’t cut my throat, Sir” I pleaded in terror. My heart bleated like a builder hammering a nail in to a stubborn wall.

“You got 30 seconds, to explain what you are doing in my house” the old man demanded.
I had seen this old man before, many times intact. Though he lived in this white marble looking mansion, he begs outside my local café and I had donated a lot of money to him, a deed I will live to regret.

“Please Sir, I’m the girl who gives you money and usually buys you coffee I the winter. I didn’t come to cause trouble, please Sir, hear me out.” I exclaimed.
I had followed the old beggar home after giving him some money today. For weeks I could tell there was something odd about the old man but I decided that today was the day to find out what was so dodgy about him. After sparing him some “change”, which in retrospect was £1 I foraged from my money box, I hid behind the dump round the side of the café and waited for him to leave. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to wait near that rotten boot smelling place for very long because two minutes later, the beggar got up and waddled off and I -feeling like a secret agent- followed him two roads down to where I saw him open the door to an almost hidden house, then, as you can tell, he caught me peeping in through a side window.

“Oh” he replied “what do you want?” He rested the light reflecting knife on the table and a sigh of relief washed over me.

By BGB yr 11

Couldn’t think of a way to end, any suggestion?

  1. Sw says:

    You could add more suspense like you could run away from him and on the way you could. Get lost and suddenly a branch could swoosh down and make a scar on your neck….

  2. INC says:

    You create a very effective and clear scene here BGB. Lots of nice touches:
    the repetition of ‘Please Sir’ conveys your protagonist’s fear;
    ‘feeling like a secret agent’ conveys a sense of adventure
    ‘the light reflecting knife’ made me see how shiny the knife was;
    ‘rotten boot smelling’ is nicely evocative.
    I am less sure about your bleating heart being compared to a builder with hammer and nails. lambs bleat, sheep bleat, so do kids and goats. Might it be like a lamb being led to the slaughterhouse?
    Also, ‘in retrospect’ doesn’t really fit in this sentence.
    But despite these blips, it is a nicely constructed piece of writing with a sense of drama and tension.
    Well done.

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