The Beach

Posted: September 19, 2013 by rosalindayli in creative writing, Schoolwork
Tags: ,

As i pick up the sand, the touch of the soft, silky and velvety sand quietly glides through my filtering hands. I can feel the cool texture in my warm hands. The sea edged like ice-cream mirrors the melting blue crystal sky. The mossy feeling of the groynes splinter my fingers.

This is my first draft i would really appreciate some feedback and i would like to know which sentence was stronger then the others. Thank you……
HI year 11

Advertisements
Comments
  1. BGB yr11 says:

    I really like the line where you said “the sea edged…” I thought it was very strong as the imagery is quite accurate and makes the reader have to put in less effort in imagining it as you described it so well, one thing I would point out is the amount of repetition used for the words “hands” and “sand”

  2. Carl Wolters says:

    I like the imagery you have used in your third sentence for the sea and the sky.

  3. yodadore says:

    The descriptive writing in this really creates a detailed picture in the reader’s mind. “The see edged like ice cream..” would be a favorite line of mine because you can vividly see the image of the waves. But more punctuation, like commas, need to be included so the reader can understand. Also try using other words instead of hands and sand. E.g. grit, palm etc.

    I hope this helped. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s