Your advice is needed!

Posted: July 12, 2012 by yodadore in Flash fiction, Pupil
Tags: ,

I am in need, and I will be glad if you can help me. I am 14 years old and I love writing stories.

I’m writing a story but there is one problem. I don’t know how to set it.

I wrote many versions of this story but I just don’t know which one is the best version. Will you tell me which one you like the best and tell me what you like about it in the comment section below?

Version 1:

He charged at her, choking her against the oak tree, “What did you do?!” he yelled at Rebekah, making her shake with fear.

“I spent a thousand years running brother!” she cried, “And now Niklaus is gone. I can’t do it without him…” his baby sister broke down, sobbing her heart out. Elijah softened and tears formed in his dark brown eyes, he couldn’t take it, seeing his only sister in pain. He let her go and threw his arms around her body; his left arm cradling her head and his other arm wrapping her waist.

Version 2:
“Rebekah!” I yelled, slamming my younger sister against an oak tree. Fury was building inside of me.
How can she do such thing? Hurting an innocent for her own needs.“You had no right killing her, she did nothing!”
“I don’t want to run anymore Elijah, I’ve spent all my life running!” Rebekah spat, tears forming in her sea blue eyes.
“You were only going to run for a mortals life time Rebekah. That is nothing when you lived for a thousand years.” I stated, anger filling my tone.
The look on Rebekah’s face had no hint of shame shown at all. She had no regret in taking away the life of the girl who gave sacrificed everything for her family’s safety.

  1. INC says:

    For myself, I like the second. The use of the first person makes it more immediate, and it has a real energy about it. You have used strong verbs, varied sentence length to create drama and tension. It shows promise. Is it a first draft in this voice?

  2. lrac2 says:

    As this is a fast-moving story with plenty of action the first person works well here, so I also think you should use the second version.

  3. roh says:

    For me I am stuck between the two posts I really like the drama and dialog in the first draft and I also like the structure and the sound of the second draft. Have you fought of using a mixture of both in your second draft? 🙂

  4. Aleunam says:

    My favourite version is definitely Version 2. I had to read the first version several times to try to understand what was going one. With the second one, I was straight in. I think the use of the first person is more immediate . The dialogue was dramatic and there was more of a ‘story’ to follow. I thought the short sharp sentences worked well. I liked the use of particular words and phrases – slamming against the tree; sea blue eyes. I thought the final two sentences were a powerful ending.

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